My life as a zombie

21/11/2009 was the day that changed my life.

From the moment that Henk (The man who gave me the news) told me that my dad committed suicide I went in shock.
I couldn’t accept the fact that my dad would do that to me. Me and my dad were bestfriends from the moment he seperated with my mom. (I was 5)

I was in shock for 2 YEARS.
I was like a zombie, I didn’t felt anything, I didn’t thougt anything, I just lived my life.
When people asked me about my dad and what he did I just told them the story without any feeling.
It was like I was living in a bubble and nothing or no one could get me out.

After 2 years everybody assumed that I already had processed his dead.
Nobody expected what happened next.

Me and my mom had a dog, Bo.
She was the best dog in the world, she was so nice and she always would comfort us when we were down.
She was the last thing I had from my life before everything changed.
6 months before my dad died, my mom and my stepfather seperated after 7 years.
Me and my mom moved to a new town so I had to change school and I didn’t know anybody. Bo came with us.

When Bo died I became really depressed…
It was like I lost everything at that moment.
I slept all day, I couldn’t go to school, I felt sick…
I felt really alone at that time. I had the feeling that nobody understood me and the pain I was going through.

My mom met a new guy and he moved in with us.
I was happy for my mom that she found somebody else but it was a really bad timing.
I already felt alone and when the new guy came I had the feeling that my mom didn’t need me anymore so I began thinking about suicide…

It was not the fact that I wanted to die but I just wanted the pain to end.
I began to understand why my dad commited suicide, I understood why he saw it as a solution.
One day I told my mom that I understood why my dad commited suicide and she started to panic. She knew already that I had a depression but she hoped that it would pass on its own. When I told her it was a wake up call and she arranged an appointment with a psychologist at the clinic.

At the appointment I told everything what happened to the psychologist.
I told her how I felt and I was totally honest to her.
She told me that I had a severe depression and I had a very negative self-image.
She suggested a hospitalization in a youth and child psychiatry.
At first I was against the idea but she convinced me.

When I look back at it, it was the best decision at the time.
It really brought me peace and time to think.
I wrote everyday how I felt and even on this day I still have all the letters I wrote to myself.

the saddest thing about it all  is the opinion off the society about hospitalization in a psychiatry. People always think that you are crazy if you have to go there but that’s not true.
There are a lot of people who just can’t handle the stress and pressure off their daily life.
There is a lot of pressure on being happy every single day, being pretty, being succesful in your life and carreer.
We have to learn to accept ourselve just the way we are.
Everybody sometimes has a bad day but that doesn’t mean that you are doing something wrong, you are just being a person.

Please remember to be gratefull with everything you have in your life.
Tell the people who you love that you love them because sometimes they need to hear that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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